miah wrote this for me last year
my mother taught me,
my mother taught me to offer
help in the kitchen.
she taught me to linger behind at the sink
after guests are finished eating.
she taught me to kindly, converse with those cooking
and compliment them on anything genuine.
due to her influence,
i hold people differently
and i inquire about their well being more intently.
my mother taught me to love men
who are
hard and selfish.
and shade their jagged outlines in
with generosity and compassion.
my mother taught me
that it is necessary
to fill all hollows in without question,
for it is a subconscious habit,
aligning you with a let down
and a crime.
my mother lays beside cactus in her bed
and makes love to them.
she is stung, but still moves under her sheets
and then showers and retreats, to her stove
while i tend to her sink.
-yourwarrior
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
new style
I left my twenties on a dance floor out in Havasu the summer of '96. The boys were trying to buy me some Sex on the beach, slammin the jello shots. CHP's finest were opening up the party to me and my girls- we brought along the boys we met from Pitt. Oooo the night was so nice. Havasu could party Philly style and I didn't know a person there! I was moving cross country and stumbled- schmack... in the middle of McKee's.
Only weeks before I had left my freedom in a '79 Pumpkin Orange Volvo Stationwagon, somewhere in Bucks County PA… nearly being dug out of a snow bank- buried in the Blizzard of the century… leaving me to walk to and from work sporting a Fine selection of Carhartt Beanies and Sweatshirts.
Come to think of it, I left my style in the bathroom hamper of our one room apartment behind the pizza shop in ..Alameda… Married again. Broke. Baby number 2 on the way… Wore my Aldo boots till the soles fell off. Haven't seen much of her in a decade. The girl who showed up with style- her favorite accessory being a Chill FWB, in his Doc's- making their way to whatever city the other was in.
Lately I thirst for Philly… to taste the air for a weekend. The smells on Broad and some Jungle Fever Eye candy. Damn! Philly has got some Effin Hot mens.
I left Philly and Hippie me landed in SFO- with a man who sat me on his lap in front of his friends and announced to give him 3 months and I'd look like Cindy Crawford. Hell, from wince I came, I was Cindy Crawford. I was a fish out of water here. Naw, I ain't the Zesty salsa Doritos of the bunch- but I wasn't used to not being enough…
Somehow I still held on to what was left of my self confidence until an argument, me sitting in my farm house in Delaware- him here in Scottsdale… a few years back. He wasn't sure how I'd make it here cause they don't have fat girls in Phoenix. I tell you, what I had left of esteem was trampled that afternoon... Down the drain of the Kitchen Zink. Till lately.
Guess What- They do have Fat girls in Phoenix. I'm one of 'em.
You know what they don't have as much of on the scene? They ain't got so much Cultured, Artistic, Tree Hugging, Educated, Articulate, Gourmet Cook, Love Machine Givers. They were a little short on those- So I gladly fill that Bill.
I was in a position to do a very nice thing for someone last week… quiet… understated… stalkerish. East Coast- that's what it was. It was an East Coast thing to do, to make sure a day was made- and I wouldn't get one ounce of credit for it. My efforts were met with a very complimentary and appreciative response… That response just re-grounded me.
My twenties may be getting kicked around a dance floor in Havasu; my freedom may have been sold with that Hippie Wagon and my style may have been shoved to the back of the closet to raise these kids… But my heart- it Ain't been compromised, not one little bit. I love that!
I miss dancing all night. I especially need a new car. I would love to fly to Philly for some New York hair and Jill in concert… I can't wait to move to NorCal and I am not losing weight anytime soon… But I got a circle of friends I wouldn't trade one of those relics for. I'm doing alright for a country girl- with a kick ass music collection!
Only weeks before I had left my freedom in a '79 Pumpkin Orange Volvo Stationwagon, somewhere in Bucks County PA… nearly being dug out of a snow bank- buried in the Blizzard of the century… leaving me to walk to and from work sporting a Fine selection of Carhartt Beanies and Sweatshirts.
Come to think of it, I left my style in the bathroom hamper of our one room apartment behind the pizza shop in ..Alameda… Married again. Broke. Baby number 2 on the way… Wore my Aldo boots till the soles fell off. Haven't seen much of her in a decade. The girl who showed up with style- her favorite accessory being a Chill FWB, in his Doc's- making their way to whatever city the other was in.
Lately I thirst for Philly… to taste the air for a weekend. The smells on Broad and some Jungle Fever Eye candy. Damn! Philly has got some Effin Hot mens.
I left Philly and Hippie me landed in SFO- with a man who sat me on his lap in front of his friends and announced to give him 3 months and I'd look like Cindy Crawford. Hell, from wince I came, I was Cindy Crawford. I was a fish out of water here. Naw, I ain't the Zesty salsa Doritos of the bunch- but I wasn't used to not being enough…
Somehow I still held on to what was left of my self confidence until an argument, me sitting in my farm house in Delaware- him here in Scottsdale… a few years back. He wasn't sure how I'd make it here cause they don't have fat girls in Phoenix. I tell you, what I had left of esteem was trampled that afternoon... Down the drain of the Kitchen Zink. Till lately.
Guess What- They do have Fat girls in Phoenix. I'm one of 'em.
You know what they don't have as much of on the scene? They ain't got so much Cultured, Artistic, Tree Hugging, Educated, Articulate, Gourmet Cook, Love Machine Givers. They were a little short on those- So I gladly fill that Bill.
I was in a position to do a very nice thing for someone last week… quiet… understated… stalkerish. East Coast- that's what it was. It was an East Coast thing to do, to make sure a day was made- and I wouldn't get one ounce of credit for it. My efforts were met with a very complimentary and appreciative response… That response just re-grounded me.
My twenties may be getting kicked around a dance floor in Havasu; my freedom may have been sold with that Hippie Wagon and my style may have been shoved to the back of the closet to raise these kids… But my heart- it Ain't been compromised, not one little bit. I love that!
I miss dancing all night. I especially need a new car. I would love to fly to Philly for some New York hair and Jill in concert… I can't wait to move to NorCal and I am not losing weight anytime soon… But I got a circle of friends I wouldn't trade one of those relics for. I'm doing alright for a country girl- with a kick ass music collection!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
a d d y l a y n e
I've told you before- I have some cool kids.
I'm listening to Chappelle's Block Party CD right now… Addy was in the room listening to The Roots.. My CD lands on "You got me" So Addy forwards her CD To "You got me" on her CD. Throws open her door and says- MOM I love listening to music- but I can listen to both of our songs a the same time…" So proud.
Just picture her, The Hippie. Belled jeans, the bottoms long and torn up at the heel. A long sleeve green Henley with a red t-shirt over top that says "Love is all you need. Beatles" Chunky thick framed purple glasses… and that Fro! It's peeking out under her green Hanky for a doo-rag.
By the time the music has moved on to The Beatles, Come together- she is skateboarding down the hall on the board Miah left… " Come together, right now, over me…" Thud. "Mom, wouldn't it be funny if you ran to me just then when I was singing that Come together?"
Giggle.
Not one of my kids fits into a familiar box where being a kid is concerned. Addy has been invited to be 1 of 20 students in her school to join a new club called "O's Ambassadors" An organization for kids to help Oprah make a difference for kids. That's right up Addy's ally. Monday is the first meeting and they are starting off with Poverty in the World.
I look forward to how this opportunity is going to mold and shape Addy. She's a future tree hugger with some life to experience before she can connect with people on a more human level and know where they're coming from.
Miah- she might run off with the PeaceCorps and start some No Panty Wearing Band in some remote village way far away.
Nazy- She'll be a doctor like her dad and Find the Cure for Breast Cancer and AIDS.
But Addy, she's going to be holding the hands of those people while she brings food on a big boat, to feed their kids.
She'll skate through the streets with her book of songs in her backpack- listening to some cool music, taking phenomenal pictures, all around the world….
After all- she was student of the month in her Piano Class for October and she said: "When I grow up I want to be a Vegetarian Artist living in Germany…"
Tomorrow morning she gets student of the month for her class in school- wonder what she wants to be when she grows up this month…
I'm listening to Chappelle's Block Party CD right now… Addy was in the room listening to The Roots.. My CD lands on "You got me" So Addy forwards her CD To "You got me" on her CD. Throws open her door and says- MOM I love listening to music- but I can listen to both of our songs a the same time…" So proud.
Just picture her, The Hippie. Belled jeans, the bottoms long and torn up at the heel. A long sleeve green Henley with a red t-shirt over top that says "Love is all you need. Beatles" Chunky thick framed purple glasses… and that Fro! It's peeking out under her green Hanky for a doo-rag.
By the time the music has moved on to The Beatles, Come together- she is skateboarding down the hall on the board Miah left… " Come together, right now, over me…" Thud. "Mom, wouldn't it be funny if you ran to me just then when I was singing that Come together?"
Giggle.
Not one of my kids fits into a familiar box where being a kid is concerned. Addy has been invited to be 1 of 20 students in her school to join a new club called "O's Ambassadors" An organization for kids to help Oprah make a difference for kids. That's right up Addy's ally. Monday is the first meeting and they are starting off with Poverty in the World.
I look forward to how this opportunity is going to mold and shape Addy. She's a future tree hugger with some life to experience before she can connect with people on a more human level and know where they're coming from.
Miah- she might run off with the PeaceCorps and start some No Panty Wearing Band in some remote village way far away.
Nazy- She'll be a doctor like her dad and Find the Cure for Breast Cancer and AIDS.
But Addy, she's going to be holding the hands of those people while she brings food on a big boat, to feed their kids.
She'll skate through the streets with her book of songs in her backpack- listening to some cool music, taking phenomenal pictures, all around the world….
After all- she was student of the month in her Piano Class for October and she said: "When I grow up I want to be a Vegetarian Artist living in Germany…"
Tomorrow morning she gets student of the month for her class in school- wonder what she wants to be when she grows up this month…
Re-Telling
A Re-Telling :
Scraping myself up off of the sidewalk, I was trying to raise my girl. I really didn't know how expensive NorCal was. I was struggling. Habib had told me countless times, that he had a friend who needed a roommate. ( Later I find out the friend didn't need a roommate, Habib was just helping me out.) So that Thursday night, "Sam" was supposed to meet me outside RoundTable. I was to wait for him at 9.
A Jokester shows up and picked on me for a bit, without saying his name. Ends up this is Sam, covered with flour from making Pizza's at his Uncles Pizza Shop. We hop in his Monster Jeep and head back to his little one room Apartment behind A-Town. Tiffany was there and she and I talked most of the night while Sam slept.
Then I wake up in the morning. I am on a mat on the living room floor…. Sam, with the flour in his hair, is gone. An Adonis is standing in his underwear, putting gel in his gorgeous long locks. From head to toe he is a beautiful man. The muscles in his legs- his nicely trimmed feet. I don't want to get caught looking (staring) So I pretend 'sleep.
Sam goes to school. Tiffany takes me back to her place and makes me breakfast. I think she really likes him. Sam comes back from school and we head up to Lucky's for some rotisserie chicken. We spend the afternoon in the livingroom floor laughing, listening to Zeppelins IV and playing cards… I stay and talk while he makes Pizza dough and that's when I am asked… "Is Sam hitting on you?"
Are you nuts? I'm not Sam's type. No. We are just talking.
And we go back to what is now OUR place. We talk for hours. He calls me brave. Asks me if I want my girl and says he'll help. Tells me I've been a good mom to do what I've done for her… I kissed him. First on the arm… then the mouth. One thing led to another…
I'm not his type. Look at my baggage. I just dropped it at his feet… why does he want me? I woke up in his arms and swore to myself, "I will learn to have casual sex right now. With this man." Breath. But his arms were around me so tight. Like my life mattered to him. Like I was the other half of his wondering . His breath feels like home and his skin smells like what morning should smell like… Fresh and clean. He's Comfortable - Like a friend. A friend who knows how you take your coffee and how you like Avacodo and tomato on your breakfast bagel… just like that. Home.
I'm scared to death. I can't let this go and I can't trust him that he is being sincere with me. What's in it for him? For me? And It all just runs away with us.
We're instantly in love. Crazy love. Crazy Love.
Within weeks we're planning our wedding. ( I feel like I need to apologize here in hind-sight. ) God he's a beautiful man. Not just the chest that comforts my cheek… but His Good. His Giving. His Self. Him - Wholly.
Happy 11th Baby.
That was his 11th Anniversary ScrapBook entry.
Scraping myself up off of the sidewalk, I was trying to raise my girl. I really didn't know how expensive NorCal was. I was struggling. Habib had told me countless times, that he had a friend who needed a roommate. ( Later I find out the friend didn't need a roommate, Habib was just helping me out.) So that Thursday night, "Sam" was supposed to meet me outside RoundTable. I was to wait for him at 9.
A Jokester shows up and picked on me for a bit, without saying his name. Ends up this is Sam, covered with flour from making Pizza's at his Uncles Pizza Shop. We hop in his Monster Jeep and head back to his little one room Apartment behind A-Town. Tiffany was there and she and I talked most of the night while Sam slept.
Then I wake up in the morning. I am on a mat on the living room floor…. Sam, with the flour in his hair, is gone. An Adonis is standing in his underwear, putting gel in his gorgeous long locks. From head to toe he is a beautiful man. The muscles in his legs- his nicely trimmed feet. I don't want to get caught looking (staring) So I pretend 'sleep.
Sam goes to school. Tiffany takes me back to her place and makes me breakfast. I think she really likes him. Sam comes back from school and we head up to Lucky's for some rotisserie chicken. We spend the afternoon in the livingroom floor laughing, listening to Zeppelins IV and playing cards… I stay and talk while he makes Pizza dough and that's when I am asked… "Is Sam hitting on you?"
Are you nuts? I'm not Sam's type. No. We are just talking.
And we go back to what is now OUR place. We talk for hours. He calls me brave. Asks me if I want my girl and says he'll help. Tells me I've been a good mom to do what I've done for her… I kissed him. First on the arm… then the mouth. One thing led to another…
I'm not his type. Look at my baggage. I just dropped it at his feet… why does he want me? I woke up in his arms and swore to myself, "I will learn to have casual sex right now. With this man." Breath. But his arms were around me so tight. Like my life mattered to him. Like I was the other half of his wondering . His breath feels like home and his skin smells like what morning should smell like… Fresh and clean. He's Comfortable - Like a friend. A friend who knows how you take your coffee and how you like Avacodo and tomato on your breakfast bagel… just like that. Home.
I'm scared to death. I can't let this go and I can't trust him that he is being sincere with me. What's in it for him? For me? And It all just runs away with us.
We're instantly in love. Crazy love. Crazy Love.
Within weeks we're planning our wedding. ( I feel like I need to apologize here in hind-sight. ) God he's a beautiful man. Not just the chest that comforts my cheek… but His Good. His Giving. His Self. Him - Wholly.
Happy 11th Baby.
That was his 11th Anniversary ScrapBook entry.
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