beauty

He justified his betrayal in a quip so sharp it stung to my bones. Made me itch from the inside with need to relieve the sting.

" but you always said you wanted me to be with a beautiful woman."

There are right answers to those sorts of things when it comes from the mouth of a woman and honestly the right answer was- "Ive spent the last 13 years in the arms of a beautiful woman..."

Instead, he felt slighted. Like in the diviing up of portions, he was short changed in the partner department. And where I might have summed up my beauty to the times he lay behind me while I was nursing our children- he was more afflicted by his embarrassment that I wasnt a girl he could be proud to take to the club.

I ripped into her after he spoke those words to me.

"But she isnt a beautiful woman. You had me Sam. Me. My skin. The love I give to your family. Learning your language. Cooking the food. The mother Ive been to these kids. The respect I had to EARN from your grandmother because I was a foreigner to your family. You had my love. MY LOVE. And you call HER a beautiful woman? She is plain. Young. Insecure. She doesnt know Who She Is. God, she doesnt stand tall and she puts herself down in front of strangers. She has bad skin and yes a great behind- but she leaves her kid alone all night- to party with you- keeping you from your kids. And Sam, She doesnt have passion. But you call her beautiful over me? You spent 13 years telling me I wasnt your equal and you ask for my blessing to be with her... You ask for my blessing and then you fuck ME. again. and again. and again... the same week. While she is the beautiful woman you want to be with and you would sum me up by the end of the month as a parasite.

So enjoy your beautiful woman. A beautiful woman is what I've always wanted for you. I'm glad you've finally met your equal. I'm sure you'll make bliss together."

And I think he is enjoying her... It aches from time to time- the way he let his children go for her. And there is a kinder woman out there who would let him forget it- but not me. I send him packages from his kids in heart envelopes and pictures of them sleeping in their beds... not to be kind to him... To remind him what he gave up for her.

In all of my childrens lives I have continuously been complimented on the amazing people they are and I am cocky with the taking of the credit. Sam has played a very small hands on part with his children. He actually asked for a divorce when I asked him to work less nights so they could have more of his time.

Maybe he'll give it to her... He plays house with her son, Carson.

In my world there are very few people I dont find beautiful and sadly- perhaps fueled by jealousy- she is not someone on my beautiful list... People are on it for all sorts of reasons, the way they love their kids or community, sunglasses in their hair... or flawless skin at 67... some of them have receding hairlines and several are full of curves... But each of them glow with confidence.

His attraction to her is how small she is... in expectation, mind, effort and personality. I guess he figures he has room to mold her. She's young enough to not express abrasion the way I do. I'm just too far along in the game to let the bullshit slide.

It still stings that I stayed so long with a man who was embarrassed of me and uses my own heart against me in request of my blessing. I do want him to be both with his equal and a beautiful woman... and while she may be his small minded equal- that doesnt qualify her to the honors of beauty.

Thank god, that remains in the eye of the beholder.