I was just listening to ‘hate on me’ by jill…. And I realized- the truth is- on either side, the story is the same. We could talk all day long about how the other one didn’t give us what we needed- and the other one of us is telling the same exact story. I was no more what he needed either. And he feels just as wounded, only by different thing, for different reasons. And I promise, he can tell just as passionate of a story and convince his people that ‘he’ is right.
I don’t need to be right anymore. It just hurts. We hurt each other- because we were hell bent on hurting ourselves. Its funny how we find the person who will reconfirm our lack of value for ourselves. Proving that we believed them- whoever they were…. For me…. I had a long line of people who tried to suffocate me with whole pages of their rhetoric. I think for him, he just bucked a culture that told him the individual he was was tainted for not following their lead… and hooking up with me, someone he thought was beneath him, it made him feel bigger and better.
We call things love that love doesn’t even exist inside of… & when we are trying to patch up our wounds- we see the other person as the monster we need to protect ourselves from- but we really need to pick ourselves up- its us that did the wounding.
I could tell you all day long the investment I made- all the ways he hurt me not returning my efforts. But he owed me nothing. People do as much as they want to do. He didn’t want to contribute the way I had. And that was my queue to leave. So, I have some motives to evaluate. Why was I putting so much in? Was it so he would feel like he owed me something? Damn, we have some destructive habits don’t we?
I cant hate him. I think he needs to hate me. Hes repeating history right now uncannily close to our story- & I’m nervous to watch. It makes me sick to my stomach to think these kids have to go through all of this over and over and over until we figure it out.
Jesus, I am trying to figure out my part. I finally get what people mean -that I should be so busy working on me that I don’t have time to think on what anyone else needs to be doing- All of a sudden- being pissed at them is gone- because I have enough in my own life to give my energy to.
Now I’m only a couple of weeks into this new feeling- so be a little patient with me. I want accountability- but I am no saint. I’m sure I will have streaks of jealousy- she stole my life after all. ( I know, I know- no more feeling that way. He gave it away years ago. I should have turned on my heels then. This is really about the way I handle things and not what he did or didnt do. I just have those thoughts sneak in still. Lol)
So, seeing my patterns now- makes life much easier. Its far less energy to let things go and not give more than I get. I was killing myself to invest in someone else. Using that energy for me is like an epiphany. Unattractive huh- How open I am.
Hey- in a few years life is going to feel so fresh and effortless… I’ll just be barefoot in my garden… pulling weeds and watering tomatos and I will have learned what AughaJaan came into my life to teach me. He loves me enough to stay in my heart even today. Can you believe the pain we have all put on his heart. I owe him too much for that. Noone in my life has loved me as big as Augha. I don’t know if you understand what he gave me. I cant even find words for it. I just knew when I would sit with him, that no questions asked, he loved me and believed in me. I was enough.
I’m looking forward to returning that to his great grandchildren. And something tells me harboring any resentments with his grandson would not honor his heart in the least. I never saw him hold a single grudge.
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