our house is a very very very fine house- CSNY

It takes time to honor the depth and honesty in which you’ve loved and contributed to someone…. And sometimes, to do it right, you can’t just peel out of the yard in reverse, while the house burns to the ground; racing down that old dirt road with a cloud of dust behind you. There is a respect that commitment requires.

I’m sure you’ve seen the smoke, it was smoldering for years before the flames consumed everything… He limped away leaning on the ear of a damsel who thought she was in distress- don’t think she realized how well he plays victim. I hear they don’t come up much for air- but when the dizzy of his lies subsides, and she wipes the smudges from the glass- the clearly she sees will open her eyes to the ‘it takes two’ of it all.

I understand that neither of us could clap with one hand. I’m content in a home full of reflections for the forward of this journey. Its going to take time to sift through these ashes. He is no more a monster in all of this than I have been.

I was in his arms 2 weeks before I left, kissing the corner of his mouth and he said, “I’ve hurt enough…” and my immediate thought was “loving me shouldn’t have to hurt…” and I made love to him like it was the last time. (But it never is.) He was in her arms the next few days and I laid awake thinking- ‘You haven’t hurt near enough to equal this pain.’

But the truth is- we have nearly killed each other calling it love. For what? To what end? To watch our 3 girls re-play what we called love in their own lives. And that would be our Karma. A consequence I am not prepared to live with.

So I choose time. I may be 13 years and 3 kids too late, but I just want to stop in my tracks and grow the fuck up! I want to offer them an example of an individual that is strong, full of love, with a life that amounts to amazing- not just SOMETHING. I know the love I have in me. I have a chance to teach it to them in a way that honors them.

I cant change Sam and his inability to be alone and therefore he brings a different girl into my kids life every time the sheets are empty- but If two people are at war- it only takes 1 to stop it. I can be that one. The way to start is understanding that the problem isn’t the flavor if the week. Its been that I’m still in it enough to care about the flavor of the week.

Just so you know- the Introduction to My Life Party Kicks off Sunday November 16th, 2008 - 4pm. The cost is $40 a head and RSVP by October 4th.