im not gonna beg you

There was an afternoon in the beginning of August where we were at the very end of whatever was left of the very end of whatever Us had become.... and the soundtrack to those few hours was a cd I had made for the first time we were at the end of whatever us was a few years before.
I straddled him on his lap and sang him all the words to snipits that seemed they were written for us. I started paying attention to the stories when natalie merchant was singing- I'm not gonna beg you for nothing, Im not gonna beg you for your love...
And he let me kiss that dimple on his chin, the bridge of his nose and my favorite- his eyelids. And when his hands were rested on my hips, I wanted to lean into him and fall asleep in the cradle of his arms. But I had to tell him the story of the time Jake walked into my dads with a bag of potatoes, ready for dinner- while I was singing seven years by natalie and at the last bridge of the song jake says- 'Damn, Ma girl is singing with a golden set of pipes...'
its funny, I tend to have soundtracks to major events- ill make a few cd's to get me thru something and sing thru my emotions... I can be pretty passive aggressive with my soundtracks.
I spent the greater part of the summer belting out songs like- Im not myslef when I'm with you, Amos lee- inspite of all the damage I have done, The be good tanyas- and deliberately listening to she's mine for the bulk of july in some twisted attempt to get used to her on him...
over the years I can remember some pretty impressive playlists that weve made love to. My favorite might have been the jeep in california when I was 5 months pregnant with Naz and Alice was playing a live in studio of the counting crows- August and everything after... in the back seat... parked behind my favorite restaurant... and we had our own place of course. I just like it outdoors.
August 6th- our last playlist will be the one that plays in my head the most... funny- that cd ended with let him fly- patty griffin covering the chicks.
He made love to me on the ottoman in the livingroom she calls hers now... and held me the rest of the afternoon... before one last round in the shower... the kids came home from school and that was it. we were done. except for I found that cd when I was looking for music today. Its called August. ( guess my life is the everything after...)
The songs always remember when.

on my pot

It isnt a matter of saving the best for last. It is merely an oversite... and I should get used to it. Its just the way its going to go. And when I reflect on my motives I do understand I look in the wrong places to feel full. But my heart hurts no less from the deeper truth.
I just think I thought for a minute that they were the last person who would bring tears to my eyes. But as Ihave always been. I am my own undoing.
I will continue to show up all of me. I havent yet learned how to give any less- without sitting on my hands and fresh tape across my mouth.... bound to a chair, bolted to the floor... so why fight it.
But I had been so exhausted with being the giver- I needed a two way street. For once. But most people arent even in the same universe with me. So it isnt fair to hope for something genuine and open in return.
It was only good morning. But when you empower someone with love- its easy for them to feel more them and less you.
I had been determined not to cry. Ive been doing chipper me for a while now. So maybe it seems like I dont need much. Its just that I wont ask for what I need- I give what I need. I'll show you how to love me in how I love you. But people get good and full and enjoy laying in bed with the covers up to their chins in it... People do as much as they 'want' to do. Noone has to ask me for much. I tend to just anticipate the need and fill it.
He would say, 'I cant read your mind...' and he was right. But if someone shows up giving back even a percentage of what they receive- we can call it a day.
I'm just having a sad day. I woke up the other day and realized that I need to count on the little things-- and I lean on them to get thru my day- and then they dont show up. And I dont tell people what I need so they cant let me down...
Someday I'll trust someone enough to ask for it. The other day I was telling Jorge in all the years Ive known him I cant remember once that I actually needed him – right then- for something....
just now- I was balling my eyes out. I have no idea why. I just feel very empty and sad. Overwhelmed. Alley text me and said she loved me. Said I say the nicest things to her and I make her day.... And Now I'm putty. I needed that.
Its that its Thanksgiving on thursday and Its my only holiday besides Mothers day that I care about.... and it is going to look very different this year, all the way down to no Jake and I'm so damn sad. I miss him and the kids. Nooone in this world knows and loves me like he does.... and all the fucking saying I dont need to be in a room with him is bullshit! I need him! He si all the fmaily from home I have! And he is the one person that breaths where I dont have to talk.... he just knows....
every fuckin year at this time- I miss what I never knew of my mom. And this year I dont get jake's mom either.
What the fuck ever! Sometimes, like today- its not worth loving people the way I do. I shouldnt even say that out loud. I'm just on my fucking pot. And I hate being on my pot. I want life to be excellent... but I need a hug today.... I gueess it would help if I would let people know that. But I'm spoiled on a jake- where I was his last phone call of the day for the greater part of our years and I never had to say a word.... because he would just love it all away.
So every little thing is breaking my heart today. It all feels personal.... when really its just the emptiness. It takes so much energy to stay upbeat and to meet everyones needs... I just dont have time to relax into what I need.... and what I need isnt even on the table. Thats the truth of it.... and It wont be for a very long time.
Bleh.
I've ranted enough. This blog will self destruct in 72 hours.

pictures of annas visit

I put up the pictures from the Bonfire for anna's visit... There will be a few more pictures trickling in... I'll get them up soon. Anna has pictures from the Jason Mraz show and her with the girls and hole in the rock...
Jorge may have a few...
We had a great time and there arent enough pictures to show it off- but something tells me that everyone involved will hold the minutes very close for a very long time. Wherever we are the love seems to overflow...

fast

Shes taken to fasting. For the purpose of better knowing her full without the filling. And she smiles more... although I didnt know her when her mouth was empty.
She still looks for herself in the bottom of bottles. And it will take time for her to enjoy the quiet of singing birds on sunny afternoons and not want for the rain. Or at least feel more at home in it.
Her arms will still cradle your waist in mornings, early and dark only she will find words for her feelings -maybe put them on paper and the syllables she speaks will sing to my hips and the rise and fall of her breath will taunt my wonder.
but her betterment- is how I would rather love her.
And I'll watch her starve the pain till her joy reaches taller for a meal at my table and I will only hope that when she breaks her fast her union is sacred to herself.
Still the rise and fall of her breath -it taunts my wonder and I will have loved her better than friend and more than herself. And she will feast on her life,
insatiably kissed.