feels like home

threw in ‘feels like home today’. i was thirsty for norah. realized it was the one You gave me. he had given it to me too- only in may- when Yours had come in february- randomly. a box on the front step…for valentines day…. if he had ever paid better attention to me- he would have noticed. but he didn’t really care to know me like You did.

and i got to thinking- You paid such good attention. that’s how You knew gospel was my favorite music. but then You always knew i thought i was a slave freer in a past life.
i take the long way home. or at least i always have. maybe lately ive been resting more & slowing the pace- but keeping in a straighter line toward an integrity to myself…

i missed You today. a few times. when she called me on the phone. when he finished my laundry. when i was in the grocery store & i wanted for your waffles… and to smother some chicken to go with them- chicken was on sale.

You aren’t much of a kisser. and we were never the lovers to eachother that he & i have been… but Youre still my home. Your mom is my mom. Your kids- my kids. Your shoulder is still my rock & Your ear- my intellect.

im not sure i will ever be able to throw in most music circa 2008 & not find a memory of us. I still drift off into space & im in the park with You- may 1995… that dog barking up & down the river & us on that blanket wearing what seems like nothing but your crooked grin and the comfort of my finally.

bebe- when Your restless in the evenings & thirsty for the tall glass of water I always was to You- write it down…. chase the pages with Your pen & mail full journals to me- anonymous. You will sleep better. honest.

i – i found You so much new music this year- but all I really want to listen to is favorite- by neko case. only i refuse.

You have always been my favorite. and i Yours. and im not sure why You couldn’t be in a room with me without us crossing the line. but I do know for sure- that I have walked away from the compromise to our higher selves- for good.

loving You-

me.

( as in the morning fades out & be here to love me begins.)
March 24th, 2009 5pm.